Don't ask for my number.

So, I failed to write about this when it happened on Wednesday night, so let me tell it now and why I was so upset last night.

I have a bar near where I live, and I go there quite often. I love the other regulars, and two of the bartenders. I went there after work on Wednesday for dinner, quite a usual thing for me. After my quick pull (makeout session) the night before, I was quite content and wasn't looking for anyone hook up with. I started talking to a young gay man, who we'll call Davide, and he was really nice and I talked to the bartender tons and whoever else was around. I saw three guys walk in at one point, one of which was very good looking. I tried to make eye contact with him but Davide claimed he was with someone, so I sighed and admitted defeat.

Fast forward, and I'm slowly sipping my drink and I hear from behind my left shoulder, "Hi... you look really familiar, have we met before?" It was him, Leon. He was beautiful, with great style, and South American with the accent to boot. We talked for a while, I did a shot with him and his friends. Turns out he used to be a bartender at the bar. He couldn't figure out where he knew me from though. He started talking about how he wanted to get married and I smiled, maybe giggled, and from then on, he thought I was making fun of him... which I wasn't! But marriage, correct me if I'm wrong, is usually not a topic of bar conversation with a stranger! Then all the regulars, myself included, grouped at the bar, and he started telling them how I was laughing at him, and I denied it again... and I told him he was very good looking in response to the question, "Why does nobody take me seriously??" He seemed a bit offended by that for a few moments, but it didn't last too long. I asked him a little while later how old he was, he said 30. He asked me, and as always, I asked him how old he thought I was, and he said between 25 and 28. Unlike most women, I found this quite flattering! He gasped when I told him I was only 22.

Him and his friends bought another round of shots, and instead of taking it at the bar, he took me by the hand and led me to the back of the restaurant and said some things that I can not remember to the life of me, something to effect of, "you are gorgeous... your eyes are stunning.." and then he asked if he could kiss me, and I resisted and turned away the first few times and he laughed and pulled me towards him, where we seemed to slow dance for a few moments. Then I finally let him kiss me. He was a really good kisser, really passionate. His arms were around my body, feeling around where they pleased (within boundaries for the time being) and then we went into the bathroom that was two feet from where we were. I told him it was kind of gross in there, and he replied, "I don't want people watching us!" and then we left and went downstairs to the managers office and he locked the door, covered the window, and turned off the lights. It was very hot already in there, I could only imagine that we'd make it hotter.

I straddled him first and he kissed my neck and my breasts. He fumbled with my bra, had more than a bit of trouble opening it, heh. He sat me back on the chair and stripped me of the pants I was wearing, removed my panties, and before I knew it, he was spreading my legs in this dark office and eating me out. It felt very good. We kept going at it, while he said in his South American accent things like, "You drive me crazy!" and fast forward to me being completely naked and him half naked. We continued kissing until we were interrupted by a restaurant busboy, and I quickly put on my clothes and returned to the bar.

When we got upstairs again, he said, "So are you going to give me your phone number?" and I said, "If you ask for it." and he did. I told him I was leaving the next week for vacation, and he said, "I will call. I REALLY want to see you again." He kissed me and left with his best friend and I left soon after that.
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Fast forward to last night, my other night for being a regular at said-bar. Leon had not called yet, but I'd basically prepared myself for that. This was my last Saturday night and I was hoping to have a good time. Leon and his friend were there though by the time I'd gotten there, and with two blondes. The entire situation left me feeling very awkward, even though we were at different ends of the bar. I talked to the bartender lots, and a couple of the regulars, but never once did I get a glance, or an acknowledgment from Leon. Now, don't get me wrong, I know he owes me nothing, maybe a hello or something though? That's just common decency, in my most humble opinion. I could only bare staying at the bar for about an hour and a half, and Davide hadn't showed up like he said he would, so I left. I had to push my way past Leon though on the way out.

Moral of the story? Don't ask for my number if you don't plan on calling.

Lesson to me: Don't hook up with regulars at your favorite bar.

My First Time

After much pushing from Jefferson, I went and got myself my very first HIV & STD test at a clinic in Chelsea. I don't get back the cultures for a few days, but I know I'm HIV-. I don't think I could've been told is a worse way though! I had my finger pricked, waited for the results, I was brought back in a room, and the person said, "Well, you've failed your first HIV test!" and I'm thinking, "Oh my fucking God, how did this happen?" and I'm just silent. A few moments, a few too MANY moments, later he says, "Um, this is a test you WANT to fail." and I breathed the biggest sigh of relief EVER.

I was so nervous to go in there, and I was a little bit ticked off that they actually charged ($60!!), but whatever, it's done now! So there it is! I'm clean and healthy... now who wants to fuck me?!

I'm not a fan.

I'm really not a fan of drunk-sex. I've only had it once, and I passed it up last night. In some ways I wish I didn't and that I fucked him. But I just would've been paranoid the entire time (and Jefferson knows I'm good at being paranoid). I can't even remember what this guy looked like! I think he may have been cute... but who knows. The bar was dark! But I DID make out with him a good amount at the bar. He was a good kisser, which is why I'm partially saddened by how everything turned out. I remember taking his hand and putting it on my breasts (and who knows where else), I think he enjoyed that.

Not too classy for a weeknight-bar outing, but I'll get over it... I got to his apartment, looked around, went out on the balcony a couple of times, and then when his back was turned, left. He didn't follow, so I know I didn't make a bad choice. There will be other boys. This was just NOT a good idea.

Then again..

I am NOT taking a new lover, at least not Mr. 6'6". He looked nothing like I'd remembered him looking (yes, there was alcohol involved). He was a nice guy, though a little immature, but not my type. I did get a few cosmos out of the night though. Lovely.

Anyways, sluts remorse and why I am suffering from it. my mother and i recently got onto the topic of why I thought I needed to be on the pill (yes, boys, I am on the pill, but I don't have sex without condoms) and I thought, "Oh, here finally is my chance to be honest with my mother about this topic!" (I know what you're all thinking, "why?!??") and I went for it. I embellished first about how often I have sex to get the point across but then negated that once I sensed that she thought I was a whore, and now she's happy to believe that I'd like to be on the pill 'for the rare occasions that I have sex' that I'd like a back-up method of protection too. She told me repeatedly during our conversation how she thinks it's immoral and dirty to have sex when you're not in a relationship, and she said I ALWAYS knew that. Yes, okay, mother. Before that night, I had never spoken to my mother about sex and I never will again after that night! She considered "talking to me about sex" when she would lecture me on why my younger cousin was too young to be having sex with her boyfriend and why her mother was stupid for letting her go on the pill.

I'm sorry. That doesn't seem to me like she was talking to ME about sex (more talking AT me about somebody else's sex life). Am I confused here, or something? Another thing, I believe my aunt was right. It is my whole-hearted believe that you can't stop kids from anything (unless you lock them in a closet, but that's abuse so...), really, especially having sex, so if they want to have it, at least have them be safe.

So, needless to say, after my mother thought I was being a slut, I began to think about things more. I'm done re-thinking things now because it's my personal belief that sex is for pleasure, not solely when you're in love (though the two can go hand-in-hand) and I like my life. There have been times when I've felt used, but I'm getting better and better at seeding out those men who make me feel this way.

I'm safe and I'm not hurting myself or anyone else while leading my life. So, I'm golden, right?